on being tired

I’m tired.

Yes I am fully aware that it goes along with new mom territory, and I know that I should take it easy on myself. But I miss the old me. The pre-husband, pre-baby me. Oh wait, don’t misinterpret. It’s not that I want to be sans husband or baby, it’s just that I was so much thinner then, and had more energy. Now I just can’t find it in me at the end of the day to work out, and while this is not unique to my parenting situation, it is frustrating. Apparently thinking about Pilates does not in fact make me thinner. I know this because I have thought about doing it for the last week and I am still the same old blob, wearing worn out maternity clothes and mourning a body that I am certain I will never have back.

I wonder if post-partum women like me ever truly come to terms with their changed bodies? My daughter certainly takes the sting out of what I see in the mirror everyday. She was more than worth it. But I don’t believe, deep in my heart and soul, don’t believe that I can ever get back to a size that I am happy with, or a body that I am not ashamed of. That is such a sad place to be in. I want her to see me as a good role model for health and fitness. I want her to take pride in her mother’s appearance. Above all I want her, no matter what, to have a positive image of herself regarding her body. How can she do that when I feel so sad about mine?

I suppose it is going to take me really biting the bullet and in the words of a very famous shoe campaign “Just Doing It”. Thing is I am terrified of really exercising hard. I have always been a hypochondriac and lately my mortality has been weighing on my mind. I cannot imagine not being here for my daughter. When I am out walking or attempting to run a little I feel heart palpitations. IT scares me.

BUT- I know I have to do this. For me. For her. So I am scheduling a physical. I’m gonna have it all checked out and then I am going to run like Forest Gump until this weight is gone. That is my committment to myself and to my precious girl. She deserves it and frankly so do I.

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oink, oink.

Is anyone else panicking about the swine flu? Ok maybe not panicking but just feeling a little nervous? I mean, I work in a school for goodness sake. I work in the biggest cesspool of yucky germs you can imagine. AND I work in the library which is like a petri dish. Do you know how many filthy little hands touch library books each day? Do you know where those hands have been? Because I do and I can tell you IT IS NOT GOOD. Apparently the best thing to do during story time is to dig the biggest booger you can out of your nose, and trust me, a lot of them do this. The thing is, it’s story time so you can’t get up and miss the story to grab a tissue, so where do the big nasty boogers go? You guessed it! STRAIGHT INTO THE MOUTHS OF BABES.

Silent reading time is the second best time for a booger snack, and if it doesn’t end up in their mouth it ends up on the book. SO as you can see, the library is just the place to breed some nasty swine flu. Do you think it would be overkill to spray the kiddies with Lysol as they come in the door?

My darling baby is in day care and that is another breeding ground for all things nasty. AS eveidenced last week when she was sick with some fever thing. Now I understand that babies will get sick, but when the teacher and the baby in the bed next to her are both coughing….UGH. I will be so glad when the next four weeks are over and we can enjoy a germ free summer vacation!

The weekend here was glorious! We participated in the March of Dimes – March for Babies and it was great. Little E held out until almost the very end, when at about mile 4.5 she got hungry. I call that a success!Marching for Maddie

bottle break

We spent a lot of time working on our house, we bought it as a foreclosure and there are about a billion projects that need to be done. Our backyard is looking great and the pool is almost ready for swimming. Last check it was 70 degrees so we are about 10 degrees off! I can’t wait to get that baby in the water.

Monday is beautiful and off to a great start! Now if we can avoid the swine flu we will be great!

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what a week

Wow. I have been wanting to write a post all week and haven’t had a second to do so. My baby had her very first fever this week and it was exhausting! She wasn’t fussy or anything, but she slept alot and didn’t want to be put down, so I spent a lot of time carrying around 14 pounds of hot sleeping baby. I also worried alot this week. It was mainly the night time that worried me the most. So I just haven’t slept and of course haven’t worked out, so i just feel like a tired blob! The good news is she is on the mend I think. I felt pretty bad having to leave her at daycare this morning but the hubs and I both took a day off work this week and mine was unpaid, so we are going to be hurting when our next paychecks come. So anyway, I dropped her off at baby jail daycare this morning and she seemed ok. I hope that coughing baby in the bed next to her doesn’t get her sick again!

Here is my little dumpling with feverish red cheeks yesterday:

fever cheeks!

fever cheeks!

It was nice to spend a day with her and play a little. OH and I introduced her to her first Cabbage Patch doll yesterday! It is the 25th anniversary edition and when I opened the box I had the strongest flashbacks to the day I opened Selda Genie, my first cabbage patch. Do you remember that their heads smell like baby powder? And they wear diapers?! SO CUTE. Little E wasn’t so sure about sharing her chair with this new baby:

Out of my chair B^%$@!

Out of my chair B^%$@!

I ended up taking off the original itchy cabbage patch clothes and putting her in one of my favorite newborn outfits instead. I may need a Cabbage Patch intervention!

The weekend is fast approaching and for the first time this spring it is going to be in the mid 80’s all weekend with NO RAIN!!! I am walking in the March of Dimes walk tomorrow in honor of Maddie and I am really looking forward to it. I need the exercise and what a great cause. I think any parent who is blessed with a healthy baby should be out there in support of the March of Dimes. I would like to write more, but apparently no one reads this blog anyway, and it is time for me to go HOME so I will end here. I hope that anyone who happens upon these ramblings has a wonderful weekend!!

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monday, again?

Dear non-existent blog readers,

In order to avoid a rambling rant I thought I would put together a small outline of this post….

I) Deoderant

1) Secret
a) strong enough for a man?
b) why can’t I find you??

2) Old Spice Extreme Sport
a) If I were a man I’d use secret
b) the pros and cons of smelling like my husband

II) Things that make babies go hmmm at 1 o’clock in the morning

1) babbling
2) sleeping
3) arms

III) What not to wear

1) Lane Bryant
2) things your mother shouldn’t say to you
3) maternity clothes blues

Oh hell I am too tired to try to remember how to properly format an outline, and all the clever things I had thought up to write about are long gone out of my brain anyway.

I have spent the last two weeks smelling like a man, my husband to be exact. This is because I ran out of deodorant in the midst of our monthly didn’t make it to the next paycheck crisis and had to use his Old Spice Extreme Sport deodorant. After we raided my stepdaughter’s piggy bank to purchase formula I figured a few more bucks wouldn’t hurt to buy me some Secret so I could get back to smelling like a woman. Well I can’t find my deoderant anywhere. At first I thought maybe there was a recall, which of course sent my mind spiraling into a hypochondriacal (is this even a word?) panic of what kind of armpit cancer was probably already setting in. But I went to Secret’s website and no, apparently not a recall, SO WHERE THE HELL IS MY SECRET PLATINUM CLEAR GEL DEODERANT? Who uses a solid anymore?? So I am still wearing Old Spice and let me tell you, that shit does NOT WORK. For the first few hours you smell like an 8th grade boy who has way overdone it on the cologne and then the deoderant part wears off and you smell like a stinky 8th grade girl who nmade out with the 8th grade boy with too much cologne on. So I guess all that “strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman” crap isn’t crap after all. I miss my deoderant and maybe, just maybe today is the day I will find some at the store. It’s like winning the deoderant lottery for goodness sake!

My sweet little perfect been sleeping through the night since week three angel decided to wake up at 1:00 in the morning last night. To CHAT. With stuffed mobile creatures. Oh and the first few minutes of it, watching her beady eyes in the glow of the video monitor as she talked to her friends was cute, and endearing. After 30 minutes it was a getting a little old. And I guess she had had enough too, what with those little stuffed bastards not talking back, she got PISSED and decided to get the attention of someone in the house by wailing. You know how it starts out, with little impatient grunts and then longer pre-crying sounds, and you are laying there in your already-spent-the-whole-weekend-carrying-around-and-catering-to-14-pounds-of-sweet-angel-baby-coma praying to God or the gods or buddha that she will just PLEASE go back to sleep, when she starts full on caterwauling. This is when you begin to battle with dear sweet husband as to who can pretend to be asleep the longest, and I always win that one because he can not stand to hear her cry. He gets up with a grunt, of course flinging the covers on your side of the bed, which you grab and snuggle up in just to piss him off a little. You hear him in the nursery trying to console her and then the guilt sets in and the battle is not won. Of course, she wins, because she ends up in bed with you, her little bony head laying just so on your arm so that you can feel your fingers, but just barely, but you don’t want to move her because all anyone wants is just one night of really great sleep. And in the morning she is all smiles and stretches and cuteness and you just have to forgive her and blame those little bastard mobile animals for not doing their part.

So after that kind of a night getting dressed is a zombie like event. And I am sorry to say, but 5 months post partum I am still wearing my damn maternity clothes. I went to a baby shower this weekend. One of those where everyone is perfect and you feel like the sore thumb sticking out baby showers. Three women there had just had babies, as in four weeks ago, and 2 of the 3 no shit, had abs of steel. I mean NO BELLY left at all. No hint of human-just-grew-inside-my-body flab. IT WAS DISTURBING. I was insanely jealous, as I am having SO much trouble losing weight and seeing them made me feel like total crap. It doesn’t help that my mom suggested that I might want to shop at Lane Bryant, because well the clothes are cut more for my shape, which in the world of shapes amounts to CIRCLE, and no I am not knocking Lane Bryant or overweight people. Not at all because I am one. But the fact that it was spoken aloud that I am fat was like salt in my wound. I hate my post partum body. I hate it with every bit of my being. But I cannot muster up the energy to work out the way I need to to lose weight. How do you work all day, manage a household and still find time to work out? I find that by the time I get home at night, all I want to do is hug my baby  and crash.

Is it really Monday again??

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poop

Why is it that every time my husband leaves the house my daughter poops? Really, she can go 5 days of no pooping (ok that may be an exaggeration) and as soon as he walks out the door she blows out her diaper. Is it that she just likes my diaper changing technique better? Is she mad at me about something. OR maybe they are in on it together. I can see the two of them now cooking up the scheme, him whispering “ok, when I leave let a really good one rip, and I’ll give you an extra ounce of formula tonight” and her giggling at him because she thinks he hung the moon.

And she DOES think he hung the moon. All he has to do is poke her with his finger and she laughs at him. She thinks he is funny, which is odd because I so often think he is NOT FUNNY. Me on the other hand, I could do cartwheels wearing a clown suit across the kitchen and I might get a chuckle. It’s crazy the things you will do to try and make your kid laugh. I mean have you ever made the same faces or sounds at yourself in a mirror? It IS funny, but only in a horrifyingly  grotesque way that makes you wonder if your kid really secretly thinks you are crazy.

What she does not think is funny is tummy time. That girl hates being on her tummy and it is so hard to watch her lay there and go from grunts of unhapiness to whimpers to full out “get me off my belly!” wailing. What’s a mom to do? All the literature says tummy time is important, my ped says tummy time is important, hell, even my own mother who usually thinks every thing I say when it comes to parenting is silly nonsense thinks tummy time is important. In fact, her words were somwhere along the lines of “If she doesn’t lay on her tummy, her brain will not develop properly” (maybe another exaggeration). But my girl will not have it. SO any suggestions? Anyone’s baby hate tummy time and turn out normal anyway? I welcome any words of wisdom from one paranoid mother to another!

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penny for your thoughts

Things that are on my mind today:

  • Maddie’s mom. Her grief is so palpable. You just want to reach through the computer and wrap your arms around her and take her pain away. The way that it all happened is just so hard and unfair. I cannot fathom what she feels and how she will get through it all. I will pray every day that she finds some peace in this awful tragedy.
  • My daughter. This week Maddie’s story has made me stop and really embrace what is most important. I don’t run into daycare and set her carrier down and run out. Instead I take her out, I hug her, I kiss her soft little baby face and I make sure she knows how much I love her. I don’t rush in the morning if she is in the mood to play. If I’m late for work, I’m late for work, but I will not miss one glorious moment of joy with my sweet girl.
  • My husband. Back to the what’s important stuff….he is so neglected sometimes. He is so good. Such a great man and friend and father and person. Half the time I am so busy being mom that I don’t really see him. This morning I started to drive out to his worksite on my way to work just so I could lay a big fat kiss on him. Luckily I called him and found out he was still on the interstate before I drove around looking for him. Tomorrow though…I just might. I love him and he needs to know it every minute of every day.
  • Money- never enough. Never. Yet I just keep on spending like I have it. Today I bid on an item in an online auction, certain I would be outbid by someone else. Except I wasn’t and now I have to pay for said item. YIKES. I just finished shifting a bunch of credit card debt around so that I could avoid interest for another 6 months, and yet I keep spending. I MUST get this under control.
  • 5 o’clock. There are so many other things to write about, like toes in mouths and squealing and such, but it is 5 o’clock somewhere and right now that is here. I must head home to the life I love. It’s all so good.

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Screw You, Dr. Laura

Okay, the first title of my first post is harsh. But I have to be honest this is how I feel.

Friday morning I was enjoying my time at home with my daughter. I was embracing all of the things I don’t get to do with her throughout the week, mostly napping. In the background the quiet sound of the Today show caught my attention. Their guest was Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and the topic was praising the stay at home mom. I too praise the stay at home mom. You are amazing and you are patient and your are lucky. You have been afforded the choice to be at home with your child and you have chosen that path. You struggle with the trials and tribulations of being with your child 24/7. You are heroes and saints and your children are blessed.

I am not one of you.

When my maternity leave was coming to an end in January of 09, I began to panic. I couldn’t go back to work. I couldn’t leave my baby with strangers. Would she forget me? Would she love them more? Would she be damaged from being a DAY CARE baby? And then the day came. The moment really where I had to make the decision to be ok with it. I had NO choice, Dr. Laura. My husband and I barely bring home enough money to keep the bills paid. Groceries for us are often a luxury. I wasn’t afforded the choice to stay at home with my child. And that did not make me a bad parent. It me a realistic parent living in this world, in this economy in 2009.

The day I dropped her off at day care for the first time was hard. I was sad, and scared for her. I wanted her to feel safe and loved. And the crazy thing is….she did. She adjusted, she learned to love new faces. The people I entrusted with her care loved her and held her and provided all the things she needed throughout the day. And she smiled when I picked her up.

My daughter has been a DAY CARE baby for nearly 3 months now, and she is just fine. I am surviving too, and I’ll have to admit, I believe our time apart makes me a better mom. It makes me appreciate each moment we have together that much more. It makes each smile a little bit more special, and each cuddle a little bit longer. When I am home with her I forget all the things that “need” to be done and I cherish our moments together. That is what makes me a good parent.

Why did the Today show choose to show a segment about how much better stay at home moms are for their children on a day when it was likely that working moms would be at home? DO we need the added guilt? Was it a little slap on the hand for all of the working moms who made the wrong “choice”?

I have so many things that I could feel guilty about, but what would that change? I cannot choose to stay at home with my daughter. Not now and maybe not ever. But what I can do is choose to be ok with the situation, to be positive for her, and to be the best mom that I can be every hour of every day. She will definitely know she is loved.

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