on being tired

I’m tired.

Yes I am fully aware that it goes along with new mom territory, and I know that I should take it easy on myself. But I miss the old me. The pre-husband, pre-baby me. Oh wait, don’t misinterpret. It’s not that I want to be sans husband or baby, it’s just that I was so much thinner then, and had more energy. Now I just can’t find it in me at the end of the day to work out, and while this is not unique to my parenting situation, it is frustrating. Apparently thinking about Pilates does not in fact make me thinner. I know this because I have thought about doing it for the last week and I am still the same old blob, wearing worn out maternity clothes and mourning a body that I am certain I will never have back.

I wonder if post-partum women like me ever truly come to terms with their changed bodies? My daughter certainly takes the sting out of what I see in the mirror everyday. She was more than worth it. But I don’t believe, deep in my heart and soul, don’t believe that I can ever get back to a size that I am happy with, or a body that I am not ashamed of. That is such a sad place to be in. I want her to see me as a good role model for health and fitness. I want her to take pride in her mother’s appearance. Above all I want her, no matter what, to have a positive image of herself regarding her body. How can she do that when I feel so sad about mine?

I suppose it is going to take me really biting the bullet and in the words of a very famous shoe campaign “Just Doing It”. Thing is I am terrified of really exercising hard. I have always been a hypochondriac and lately my mortality has been weighing on my mind. I cannot imagine not being here for my daughter. When I am out walking or attempting to run a little I feel heart palpitations. IT scares me.

BUT- I know I have to do this. For me. For her. So I am scheduling a physical. I’m gonna have it all checked out and then I am going to run like Forest Gump until this weight is gone. That is my committment to myself and to my precious girl. She deserves it and frankly so do I.

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