Valentine’s Day

I woke up this morning.

I mean, I guess I should feel happy about that.

Some days are really hard. I love my kids more than anything, but they are driving me crazy a lot of the time. Our mornings are so rushed and I feel so stressed all the time. I hate it for them because they deserve to have a happy mom. I feel like I am yelling or griping at them so much.

I went to the doctor today about all my pain and she was anything but helpful. She offered me two options but no diagnosis. Of course she offered the BCP, because isn’t that the doctor’s way of fixing everything these days? Having severe pain with your period? Let’s just eradicate your period. Forget about actually trying to find out what is causing the pain. It doesn’t work that way for me. I am not going to take the pill. It is not the way I want to manage my body, nor do I think it is the way God wants me to manage my fertility. She brushed off my complaints about my moods, lack of sex drive, exhaustion. I just don’t think she hears me and I find that so frustrating. I think I am going to get a second opinion. I don’t think I should have to be in pain for the rest of my child bearing years.

I arrived at work this morning in such a sour mood. It happens and I tried to keep to myself as much as I could. No one else should have to suffer just because I am. Fortunately I have a good friend here at work who I was able to blow off some steam to, and that helped a lot. This week is going to be hard, but I’ll make it through.

I just don’t enjoy Valentine’s day. There is so much pressure to perform on this day. Everyone is supposed to make big gestures that say I love you and I just think it is silly. It’s fun for the kids, and I appreciate that part of it, but I could give or take the rest. That being said, my dear sweet and so supportive husband showed up with flowers and a card and a balloon for me this afternoon, which was really nice. I am trying to be appreciative while cringing at the thought of what that must have cost ON Valentine’s Day nonetheless.

I love my kids. They drive me crazy, but when I am away from them I crave them. I am looking forward to getting home to them tonight. The rest, I guess, just is what it is at the moment.

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snow.

Once when I was little we had a snow so deep we could tunnel through it. I remember at the time someone telling me that we would have a snow like that every seven years. You can imagine my disappointment when, after waiting seven freaking years, it did not in fact snow like that again. Maybe that’s when I became a pessimist?

Well we have had a lot of snow this month, and people are all Armageddon! Global Warming!!. I think it’s probably not either one of those, as last year our pool was frozen for days and it hasn’t yet gotten that cold this year. The more likely explanation is that moisture and colder temps collided at the same time. Genius.

And while we are talking about snow here, what the hell makes people want to eat it?? It is precipitation from the SKY. People, you don’t put tea bags in rain water and call it tea, why the hell would you put cream in snow and call it ice cream? Disgusting!

Emma’s had strep and an ear infection, though you couldn’t tell it from her behavior. She is just as energetic as when she is well. She is such an awesome kid. She just amazes me!

Ava is starting to eat some cereal now and seems to be liking it. I’m not pushing it too fast though. I just want her to do things in her own time. That seems to work for us.

The streets are clear and I am off to the gym to keep working at this silly postpartum body. Always a struggle!

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Pain

Well I haven’t blogged in a while. Nor have I been very good at it.

A lot has changed since the last time I was here. I had another baby. That was amazing. So much of a better experience this time. But I’ll save that amazing story for another day.

Today I am dealing with pain. I’m not sure what’s causing it, but I have an inkling that it is endometriosis. This will be the 4th cycle since Ava was born that I have experienced pain. Usually it starts on day 2 of my period. Today is day 24 of my cycle and it is already rearing its head. The pain is awful. It is like someone is stabbing the lower half of your body over and over. Last month I took a lot of ibuprofren which helped some, but really upset my stomach. It took a week to get over my pain. It exhausts you. drains you of everything you have and when it’s over you know it will be back in a month. It’s depressing and I feel like I have no idea what to do.

I’ve called the nurse, but I know they won’t be able to see me today, and even if they can, what can they do for me? I don’t want to take hormones and I am terrified of surgery. I feel hopeless.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day….

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weight

My current weight makes me want to find a hole and bury myself.

I don’t want to go out in public, because I don’t want anyone to see me.

I hate pictures of me and my daughter because all I see are double chins.

I put clothes on and feel defeated.

My wardorbe consists of maternity clothes and my husband’s old t-shirts.

I look in the mirror after a shower and wonder how my husband could possibly even pretend to find me attractive.

I don’t hate my stretch marks. I can live with those. I hate the fat, the hanging flab. The state that my once youthful breasts are now in.

I hate feeling tired and weak and unhealthy.

I feel like a failure.

I hate my body and what it is doing to my mind.

I want to make a change, but I feel stuck.

Like my feet are in concrete.

I hate that I have a pool in my backyard and will soon be subjected to visitors in bikinis.

I went from this:

Skinny me

to this:

fat me

I need a way out.

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a tree is a reminder

My BABY turned 6 months old this week. :0 I cannot believe that the time has flown by so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was in the delivery room cursing my husband and asking him WHY we had decided to do this? and am I going to DIE? and other panic induced questions. I believe I also mentioned something about NEVER doing this again and begging the doctor to help me – at which point she whipped out the VACUUM and sucked that baby right out of me.

Funny, during all of it I just wanted them to get her out so I could GO TO SLEEP ALREADY, which is an odd thing to be thinking in the middle of childbirth. Really, it was quite hellish.

When it was all said and done though:

Isn't she divine?I had this. AMAZING.

That baby has changed rocked my world and my perception of life in general. How can you have a bad day when you wake up to this:

life is good

life is good

or this:

baby bird mouth

baby bird mouth

every day? My life is bliss with her in it. And don’t think for a moment I take it for granted. Stories like Maddie’s and Kayleigh’s keep me grounded in ways that hurt to think about. The truth is EVERY DAY parents lose babies. Each day is precious and we never know what lies around the corner.

Just yesterday I asked my husband to go for a walk with us, but he was too busy messing with the pool and worrying about the yard. It made me so angry, that he has such trouble taking time to just relax and enjoy our family. He has such a hard time just letting things be. All I know is, it will all be there tomorrow, but we may not. Who will care if the pool turns green? That would not be his regret, I am sure.

6 months of bliss and one to thank for it all. God is good.

edited to add:

Today I watched a ceremony outside the window of my library. This year two of my students lost their mother to a valiant battle with cervical cancer. Their mother and father documented their journey through a care page and in the end everyone grieved with them. The mother was so strong in her faith and I admired her courage so much. Her children are amazing. Today they stood stoically by the tree that was being dedicated in her honor. Their dad just a few steps away. A small gathering of her friends and family, along with the classmates of these students were gathered as well. The men adjusted their sunglasses and the women turned to wipe away a tear of grief.
No child should be without their mother and no mother should be without their child. I know that death is inevitable for all of us, yet I find little consolation in that. These children deserve to have their mother with them every step of the way.

One of their mother’s wishes was to create awareness about the vaccine for HPV, which is a leading cause of cervical cancer. Anyone can contract HPV and it is so easy to spread. The vaccine can prevent infection from the high risk strains. My daughter will be vaccinated and I hope yours will too. It can save lives, and hopefully more amazing children won’t lose their mothers to this awful cancer.

The tree is beautiful but it doesn’t take the place of their mother. It’s just a simple reminder to live life to the very fullest and have faith in God.


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13 again

I don’t have time for much of a post, but I do have this to say:

I HAVE 6TH ROW TICKETS, CENTER STAGE TO SEE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK IN JULY. WITH TWO AWESOME FRIENDS!

Try not to be jealous 🙂

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hmmm

I wonder if writing my blog would be more fun if I had an actual audience.

I hesitate to share this blog with my IRL friends, because sometimes I just want to gripe and I’m not sure they need to read it. Or maybe I just don’t feel close enough to them to let them into my head.

I disabled my FaceCrack page this week. It told me I had over 300 friends, yet when it came right down to it I only corresponded with about 10 or 15 of them regularly on there. Yet, every day, nearly 300 people were able to access my photos, personal information and conversations. It is sort of disturbing in a way, to think that I opened myself up to that when the reality of it is, if any of those folks actually cared about me I wouldn’t need a social networking site to prove that. No one has 300 friends. Yes you may have 300 acquaintances but to call someone my friend there has to be more than a history and a computer screen between the two of us.

The truth is, I don’t have that many close firends. My husband is probably my best friend and I am ok with that. I do feel that my life is lacking some necessary female companionship, and I blame myself for a lot of that. I alienated a lot of people in my 20’s with crazy behavior. BUT a lot of them turned their backs on me at a time when I probably needed them most. Either way, the few girlfriends that I have live far away, and I miss them.

Maybe I should do a BFF reality show like Paris Hilton did?

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On another note, I got a gift for mother’s day yesterday. A NEW REFRIGERATOR. Yup, I know. I have MOST DEFINITELY crossed some kind of line of demarcation from young and hip to very domestic and mom-ish and  I LOVE IT!

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